What’s a heart?

A heart, as defined by someone on the internet is “a hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation. In vertebrates there may be up to four chambers (as in humans), with two atria and two ventricles.”

The second definition is the one I prefer… “the central or innermost part of something.” If we are working off this definition, then we can conclude that the heart is the most important thing we possess. What happens when someone else possesses the central or innermost part of you? I never understood until it really happened. I’ve loved before. But I have come to the conclusion that I have never loved until a few months ago. I have felt strong bonds of friendship, and platonic love, and the love of another person, but I never have understood what it was to love from my heart, with the exception of my nieces who each own a portion of it. I love my friends, and they are all in my heart, but someone else has my heart. Stay with me here. Someone else has become the central, innermost part of me. I wake up with him on my mind. He is my last thought before I go to bed. He is often my thought when I sleep. I sound like a bloody teenager. I’m aware.

I don’t understand it, but tonight as I was fighting with my health (I lost), and through all the days I’ve been fighting it, I can’t help but miss my heart. It is thousands of miles away from me. All I want is for it to be here with me and for it to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Sure, there are messages, phone calls, and video chat. There are countless words passed between us. Yet I feel like my innermost part is missing. These things we have to stay in touch are lovely. Without them I would be a basket case (or more of one for those that know me). Still, they cannot replace the look in the eyes of my heart when I am sick like this, and he lays next to me with a bewildered look, feeling as helpless as me at not being able to make this all go away. They do not replace the tummy rubs as I fight a losing battle to hold down a meal. They do not replace or even begin to compare to the last whispers as I fall asleep in the peace and safety of the arms of my heart, whispering that he’s not going anywhere, and that we’ll go through this together.

Well, this is utter rubbish. It’s all over the place. I can’t form a coherent thought to save my life. It’s no wonder with all the stress, new medicines, new doctors, and new fears I have. But I guess the important thing is that I miss my heart… I never even knew I had one until I gave it wholly to someone else.

To everything, turn, turn, turn

I recently made a really big move. Like halfway across the country big. I never had any doubts as I was doing it, and even though I am sitting in North Carolina without a job, and with what seems like little to no prospects of finding one, I know I am in the right place. Things finally FEEL right, and I know that I am on the right path. I miss my friends and family, but I know this is where I need to be right now. Oklahoma began to feel like the prison cell holding me in, and forcing me to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Today I feel free. I feel like the world is whatever I want it to be, and however rough my path may be, there is nothing that can make me doubt my decision to be here. I’ll attempt to update this silly thing a little more often as I have adventures to tell everyone.

Side note: Jenn, I miss you Sunshine. I miss the boys, and I wish you nothing but happiness as you take your next big step, and chase the dreams you have. I am proud of you, as I know you are proud of me.

Sometimes we screw up

Recently I was informed that I screw up. A lot. So, here I am trying to fix a screw up that I now wish I hadn’t made, and I can’t. I’m actually really sad. It sucks. I want to fix what I did, and I can’t. I can keep showing that I am here, that I am trying to fix what I did wrong. But it may not be enough.

There is one thing I have learned through all this. I have to quit sabotaging myself. And that, my friends, is not an easy thing to do. I was born a runner, and once you start, it’s hard to stop. However, I know that maybe I wanna fight now. So… Here’s to fighting. And not running.

Learning to Love… Myself.

I am a serial monogamist. I have steady boyfriends, and I am rarely single. I have been wondering about this. I think it means that I am intrinsically afraid to be alone. I do not like to lack companionship. It’s hard to be alone and to feel unloved. But I have been wondering about something lately. I wonder why I feel the need to have someone in my life. Here is my answer:

There is something missing in me. There is a void that cannot be filled. I hate it. But really, no one else will ever be able to fill that void. Only I can. At one point in my life, in the not so distant past, I was ok being alone. I took a few months to be single, and I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t hollow feeling either. You see, when I am in a relationship, I dedicate myself to it. But in doing so, I lose sight of who I am, and I forget to love myself, because I am too busy loving the other person. Here is what I intend to do to fix it:

One of my best friends is getting married in May. So, for the next 107 days, I will not date. After her wedding, I will allow myself to date again if I feel like it.  I am going to focus on me, and getting my life back into some proper order. It isn’t giong to be easy for me, but I need to do this. So often lately, I have found myself doing things that I couldn’t figure out the motive for. I was blindly walking through life trying to please my significant other, or my friends, and I was neglecting me. I have forgotten what it feels like to love myself, and honestly, if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else. So, here is to relearning to love myself for the next 107 days, and to growing closer to two men in my life who I have neglected. My dad, and my heavenly Dad. Because only when I stop trying to fill the void, and learn to love myself, will I be able to let someone else love me, and love them in return.

Capstone and Dating Woes

So, as a senior in college at my lovely university, I have to write a really long research paper called a Capstone. I have dreaded it since the day I heard the word. However, today I feel like I may just stand a chance of actually writing it and graduating. Here is why I didn’t think I would manage it: I have had horrible luck in relationships. I did not want to pick up another Jane Austen novel and think of Darcy and Elizabeth or Elinor and Edward, and heaven forbid I suffer through Emma and Knightley. They are all ridiculous. Today, however, I had a thought. It is not the main romance that is important. It is the suffering romance. Brandon nurses Marianne back to health, and they find happiness, true happiness, even if it wasn’t Earth shattering. Some may think Marianne settled, but really, she chose wisely. Willoughby loved her, but he couldn’t love her enough. Brandon loved her despite her love for Willoughby, and her horrible treatment of himself. Charlotte Lucas quietly concedes to marriage with Mr. Collins. She, again, could be accused of settling, but really, she gained what she desired, which was a home for herself and some manner of felicity in her marriage. Even Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax end up together, and really, the deceitfulness they carried out was only in order to protect their romance and relationship. So, soon, I will begin to read and write. I will write about the characters everyone loves. I will do them justice. But as I read, I will remember I am rooting for the silent lovers, who fall gently into place, without the pomp and circumstance. And I will remember, too, that I have had Earth shattering love, and in the end, all you are is shattered. I will pray to be a silent lover, who falls gently, not rapidly or painfully, into love. And I will write a darn good paper and graduate so that I never have to write another paper over a book again. Ever. Unless I am getting paid, in which case, I will gladly write.

In which I let go

Today, I let it all go. I forgive every person who I feel has wronged me. I let go of all the pain that I have kept inside that has kept me hostage. Today, I prepare for the something big that has to be coming because of all the something smalls that have gone wrong.

Healing. It comes in many forms, but maybe I have been unable to heal because I have been unwilling to let go of the hurt. The abuse, I forgive it. The heartbreak, I forgive it. The abandonment, I forgive it. I forgive it all. Today I breathe the breath of cleaning and new life. I let go of all the dark that I keep inside because it seemed the logical place to keep it. Today, I begin to heal.

I don’t know what has sparked this idea in me. But I have realized that I am the only thing holding me back. I am the biggest roadblock in my life. And I forgive myself for that too. I am ready to let go though. The important thing here is that I am letting go. Pain and fear from my past have no more power to dictate my future. 

Every injury to my fragile psyche, to my gentle heart, I forgive. Do not confuse this forgiveness with a willingness to allow all the offenders back in my life, but I forgive.

The one person I have to forgive is my ex husband. I have allowed all that went wrong in our relationship to cloud other relationships. I do not trust freely anymore. I do not love fiercely anymore. I do not share my heart wholly anymore. And I forgive you, Ex. It was not all your fault. But I need to forgive you to move on, and now, I forgive.